Untitled.

I struggled with a fitting title for this post. None came to mind so I left it blank.

On Friday I found a few support groups via Facebook that I joined. They all are for people with chronic illnesses such as Pulmonary Fibrosis and Pulmonary Hypertension, the main two diseases that ail me. Since then, two people have passed away. Upon arriving at Pulmonary Rehab today, I was informed that one of the people that was to start exercising with us had also passed.

In the span of three days, I was informed of at least three people that didn't survive the same illness I have.

Three.

That's too many for me.

I hate that death feels all around me. I hate that it feels so close to me. I hate the fact that when I go to sleep at night, I often worry about if I will somehow stop breathing in my sleep.

I hate the fact, that at 33 years old, I have an advance directive, a medical proxy, and a living will. I hate that these are things that I even have to have. I hate having to have these conversations with people I love. I hate to see the fear that momentarily comes across their face.

I hate that for so long I have thought "Well what if I don't make it out of the surgery?" and just yesterday, after learning of the deaths of those three people, a new thought of "What if I don't even make it TO surgery?" has now plagued my thoughts for the past 24 hours.

I know a lot of people will read this and say "Oh you can die from anything at anytime" and that very well may be true. I could walk outside and get hit by a bus. I could drop dead on the toilet for unknown reasons. Or I could very well live to 106, like Ms. Virginia McLaurin. All I know is, folks you have to stay ready so you won't have to get ready when the time comes.

Have your house in order.

As for me...
When God calls me,

I'll have no choice but to go.