Early Morning Rambling

It's about 6am.

I've been awake since 4am. Unable to sleep. Last night was rough for me. I felt the weight of everything I've ever gone through on my shoulders and it all seemed to crash down on me in one swift motion. Kind of like life just decided to deliver a swift kick to my chin.

The two large, filled to the brim glasses of wine I consumed probably didn't help either. I'm just saying.

I may have forgotten to eat last night. My stomach is currently asking me all the questions and I have none of the answers. Food and I have been on the outs lately. Listening to a doctor lecture you for minutes on how you need to lose weight or you'll never be eligible to have the surgery you need to get your life (semi) back to normal kinda puts you on the outs with the culprit that made you fat in the first place. I'm very much aware that food isn't the enemy. I'm just having a really having a hard time finding a balance of eating healthy, trying to lose weight, and literally not giving a rats ass anymore.

It's a cold world.

I cried myself to sleep. It's something that has become the norm for me. It's almost ritual. I've been having the most difficult time trying to process how I feel about me. Myself. My life. Who I am now. What I have become. My capabilities. My disabilities. The hardest part of my illness, of the idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis is the idiopathic.

Unknown. There is no known reason or cause why I have the illness I have. There is no reason why I'm sick. Could it be genetics? Could it be because I was around a lot of second hand smoke growing up? Could it be because I went to public schools in NYC around the time the asbestos epidemic arose? Could it be because I thought I was cool and smoked clove and regular cigarettes for a spell? Could it be all of these? Or none of the above... WHO THE HELL KNOWS.

No one knows. No doctor. No shaman. No specialist. Not one soul.

I think if I had answers, answers to the "how?" it would make things a bit easier to swallow. But I don't. All I have is what I have been given. Which is nothing but a disease that has dramatically changed the way I have to live my everyday... for the rest of my life.

Sigh.

Who has breakfast?