Darkness....

There is a darkness in all of us.

It's there. Trust  me. 

My darkness runs deep. It starts in my brain and I can feel it dripping down my entire body. My shoulders and neck start to hurt. My chest then feels tight. I feel it as soon as it comes on. I can tell when it's going to be one I can shrug off. And I know when it's going to completely consume me.

Lately...

My darkness has been winning. My demons have taken full control of my brain and all I can think about is how unhappy and miserable I am in my life.

All I can manage to do some days is get out of bed, wash my behind, and get back IN bed. Some days I honestly don't want to leave bed. Some days I don't even want to wake up. But... I do. I keep waking up... hoping things will be different. Usually they're not. But one can dream .

I am exhausted.
I am exhausted pass levels that days worth of sleep can even cure.

This life stuff... I don't know if I'm cut out for it anymore...

Fairytales... & masquerades

I feel like Cinderella.

But there's no ball. There's no Prince Charming. There's no evil Step-mother.

There's just a whole bunch of shit I don't want to do. Like clean. And exercise. And... well anything that doesn't involve laying in bed all day with the covers over my head.

I hate to sound like a broken record. But I feel like this is the only place I can express myself freely. Take off all my masks and not have to pretend to be okay and doing just fine and not upset about anything.

This week I've been called a Debbie Downer and a Negative Nancy but someone I thought I could trust being my true self with. I thought I could tell this person how I honestly felt about my everyday with out being ridiculed.

So lately I've been keeping to myself. Occasionally allowing myself to be vulnerable for brief fleeting moments. The masks sometime get heavy and exhausting. Good thing I'm exercising... At least this leads me to believe there's a point to it.

God I need a break...